Being an Atheist

I was active in my church worship team, and played the saxophone every week from the 6th grade until I graduated high school. I was constantly being told what I blessing my sax playing was to everyone at the church. It made me feel like a fraud because it was as if they thought I was wielding the power of the Holy Spirit through my music. I knew that wasn't the case, I was just a sax player that could improvise in a variety of keys. I didn't have a god to thank for that, just private lessons from an encouraging music teacher.

My first real doubts based on something other than the "this is weird" feelings I had even as a young kid started when I was in High School. I was never an "active" Christian, meaning I didn't share my beliefs with others. I always felt very awkward about my religious affiliation, as if I had the word "liar" stamped on my forehead any time I said I was a Christian. Later, I took an Anthropology of Religion course at CSU Fresno. Reading about the academic studies of various anthropologists and psychologists really opened my eyes. I found validation and justification for all of the doubts I had since childhood. I knew at that point that was I wasn't imagining how odd Christianity was, and how it didn't make sense to me. There were many others like me.

I admitted to myself that I'm an atheist in November of 2014. It took a lot of time for me to process these thoughts and come to terms with how the acceptance of this new identity might effect my relationships. Although I had the bravery to admit this to myself, I lacked the courage to talk about this with my very religious family. My parents both got Associates degrees in Theology. Shortly after they finished their degrees was when I could no longer deny that I don't believe what they believe. I didn't have the heart to tell them, and still don't.

When I told my wife I believed myself to be an atheist, she immediately said she was one, too. It was obvious to me at once that she had been holding back telling me she was an atheist out of respect for me. My wife's journey of religious reflection started sooner, when she took the first intrepid step towards freeing herself of religious ties by writing a letter to me and her family. In that letter, she stated her reasoning for no longer describing herself as a Christian. I read the letter, but did not know how to respond. Part of me was horrified, part of me agreed, part of me was proud of her, and part of me felt incompatible with her. I had been struggling with religion for most of my life, but my wife's bravery stiffened my spine as well. I held up a mirror to myself and took a long look. If I was a Christian, I was an utterly unconvincing one. I knew I didn't truly believe the Bible or that there was a god or that this god became a man to be tortured so that I could be forgiven for anything bad I might do. All I had to do was believe something I found to be completely unbelievable and then I could get into heaven, regardless of my actions in this life. I could mess up and sin on a daily basis, but as long as I rejected all reason and logic and embraced this fantasy of heaven, I could live for all eternity in paradise. The problem was that I could live by the Bible's principles, but that didn't matter if I couldn't truly believe that Christ was the son of God and was crucified for my salvation. What's the point of salvation if people who are logically minded and base their beliefs on reason can't have that salvation?

I've heard it said that public opinion towards atheists is equal to that of rapists. The concept that someone who says they don't believe in a god is looked at in a similar light to the scumbags that commit some of the most atrocious crimes known to man is a travesty that I can't begin to quantify. So...let me tell you a little about myself:

My life was incomplete until I met my wife, the most perfect person I've ever met. My children are the light of my life and what matters most in my world. I love teaching, and enjoy helping students achieve things they didn't think they could. I love playing the guitar and making cool beats on my computer. I follow the law (I admit I speed sometimes). I'm respectful to others and keep my cool in traffic jams. I go out of my way to keep from hurting people's feelings, even if I don't like them as a person. I try to be kind and charitable, although my wife is much more giving than I am. I play many instruments and believe that the only the thing that cures better than music or laughter is love. Both of those heal better than any god, old or new. I believe there are mysteries that we can't explain, but I also believe that attributing those mysteries to the work of a deity is a poor substitute for the desire to achieve enlightenment through reason and logic. People have always attributed what they don't understand to the supernatural. We still do that! Before we learned that the Earth rotates and the sun is a bright ball of burning gas, we believed that the sun was a god named Ra. If you didn't make enough sacrifices, the rain god wouldn't bring rain and your crops would die. Two sides of the same wars have said that god was leading both of them to victory. War... meaning murder. I believe that human kind is better off without gods. All gods exist in our imagination. There is no spirit inside me communicating with the anyone. All gods are product of our own human imaginations, fears, and desires. Let's use our imaginations to create a peaceful world instead of gods.

Watch these videos. They gave me words to express my doubts when I couldn't articulate them myself.